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Apr 24, 2008 10:15 pm US/Central
Why Do People Cheat On Their Spouses?
DALLAS (CBS 11 News) ―
They're your co-workers, your neighbors and members of the PTA.
Thousands of married men and women in North Texas are logging on to a website searching for an extra-marital affair.
Some affairs start unintentionally. Co-workers sometimes fall for each other, and old friends can find a new spark.
That's not what's happening here. These people are actively looking for affairs.
We went undercover to find out why they want to cheat.
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We logged onto ashleymadison.com at 10 o'clock on a Monday morning. It's a site aimed at married men and women who want to cheat on their spouses.
We spent about $50 to set up a profile for one of our female producers.
Within minutes, she started getting hits. She hadn't even finished reading the site's directions.
"Your profile looks yummy," one man wrote.
Another asked, "So you're here Sunday through Thursday, right?"
Dozens of men wanted to chat. Some live here. Others said they were travelling through town on business.
"I would love to chat and get to know more about you," wrote one.
Some men wanted to meet us for dinner, some for drinks and others asked if we'd meet them at a hotel.
Instead we decided to set up coffee dates to find out why these men were looking to cheat on their wives.
With hidden cameras rolling, we watched as three men showed up at a local coffee house to meet our undercover producer.
Our first date was a married father of four. And this isn't the first time he's met a woman on ashleymadison.com.
He told us about the first time. "We had a drink and after like 20 minutes," he said, "she said 'do you want to go upstairs,' and I was like a deer in headlights. I literally could not believe I had done it."
He said he's not satisfied with his sex life but isn't comfortable discussing it with his wife. "I've tried a lot of things. Literally, at this point, I'm convinced it's physiological."
He says his wife respects him and he regrets crossing the line, but doesn't necessarily think he's a bad person.
"This is one thing that is very, very bad. Does that negate the other aspects of me that are generally a pretty good person? I don't know."
Our second date arrived about an hour later.
He's from Arlington and has been married for 10 years. He says one reason he's on ashleymadison.com is that his wife cheated on him.
Our undercover producer asked if his wife suspects anything. "She figures now, that if I haven't done it by now, I wouldn't do it."
His profile on ashleymadison.com says his wife is a busy executive with little time for him. And he's looking for passion, attention and friendship. He told our producer his wife's affair left him feeling resentful.
"There are still times where I don't want to touch her; I don't want to talk to her."
He said he was frustrated by the lack of intimacy and his wife's betrayal left him confused.
Our last coffee date was with a 40-year-old married father from Plano. He admits he had a two year affair with another woman--which he described as "amazing."
"We knew what it was about and what it wasn't going to be about and we weren't going to run away with each other, and that type of thing. Although we had thought about it several times."
He said he's not unhappy in his marriage--but he's not happy, either. He describes his wife as a good person, but says he's not getting what he needs out of the relationship.
"It isn't everything I want. We've had our discussion and it's not going to change." We showed our hidden camera footage to Dallas marriage counselor and sex therapist James Robbins.
"Marital affairs are considerably more common than I think your average person realizes," he said.
"I think the number one problem when it comes to matters of sexual dissatisfaction in a relationship is that couples don't really bring those things to the table," he said. "They don't even open up that communication to see where it might go."
Robbins says if couples would just talk about their sexual desires, it might end the tension and lead to compromise. If they don't talk to each other… "If they're not feeling that they're getting that acceptance, that green light from their marital partner, sometimes folks seek that out in other places through an affair."
And if you're saying to yourself, "Why don't these men just get a divorce?" Take it from Darren Morgenstern. He launched ashleymadison.com nearly eight years ago. He told Dr. Phil the business of adultery will always be booming.
"People cannot just leave a relationship," Morgenstern said. "And those that are leading lives of quiet misery, that bought into a shoddy bill of goods, are going to look outside their relationship, no matter what."
Ashleymadison.com says local men outnumber local women on the site by almost eight to one. We set up a profile for a male producer and he received only one message, from a woman in New York State.
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We showed the undercover footage of our coffee dates to Dallas marriage counselor and sex therapist James Robbins. He says extra marital affairs are more common than most people realize. Click here for his explanation.
Robbins says websites like ashleymadison.com make it easier for men to cheat on their wives. And he says the behavior can be habit forming. Click here to hear him explain why.
Robbins says women should follow their instinct, if they suspect their husband is cheating, but approach the situation cautiously. Click here to listen to his advice.
Robbins says sometimes the best solution to a marriage disrupted by infidelity is to end the marriage. Click here for his explanation.
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